Sun's Out, Deck's Out

Spring has finally decided to come in Boston. I’ve been here six months and this is the first week I’ve experienced sunshine in its intended form. Yesterday I took off my socks and shoes, put my backpack down in my apartment, and slipped back outside with my Welcome To Night Vale tarot deck.

I’ve barely touched my deck since graduating college in December. I learned tarot from two dear friends who my relationship fell apart with and I associate the practice closely with them so it has felt difficult to be close to tarot when I’m completely distanced from them. I will always love them and value their deep wisdom and patience in teaching me this art form/witchery/practice, but it has become time for me to take on tarot as a practice fully my own. And now, with the Sun out for the first time in six months, and me considering leaving this city after just the same amount of time here, I needed insight and assurance from my cards.

My friend Alison refers to the first year out of undergrad as “Freshmyn Year of Life,” and this first period of adulting on my own has been tough. I struggled to get job interviews. Then I struggled to get a job. Now that I have one I care about I struggle to have enough energy to give it my all. I struggle with understanding professionalism and workplace expectations. I hate embarrassment and learning curves and these past six months have had plenty of both. My experiences have been causing me to doubt myself, my skills, my direction in life. And it’s only been in the last month or so that I have allowed myself to admit that, firstly, I am not happy, and secondly, I don’t know what to do about the state of my happiness.

I love my job and I love that I have close friends nearby, but I do not particularly enjoy Boston. As much as my environmental activist self believes in public transportation, my chronic fatigue and pain have made is so that if I’m not up to standing for an hour long commute I don’t really get to leave the house. The cost of living is very high considering what I’m used to in the Midwest and in order to save any money it has become abundantly clear that I would need to take a second job. A second job that I do not have the energy for. Plus, I don’t even benefit from the perks of big city living. I don’t drink, I don’t go to concerts, and I mostly avoid large groups of people. (But, to be fair, I do really love art and museums and some of the best are in metropolitan areas.) But if I’m being honest, I miss the pace of the Midwest.

And if I’m being really honest, I’m in a long-distance relationship with a love who lives in Tulsa who I very much so would like to be near. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t ever move for love again, but if you’ve made it this far, you know that relocating has been a decision made on account of a lot of things—but relocating to Tulsa specifically, would be an act of love. And a bold, risky one at that. But Karalyn! You’re thinking, You don’t do jumpy and love-y and head of heels types of love! Sure you’ve known this human for ten years, but you’ve only been dating for three months! Is it ridiculous to move to somewhere to be with someone after such little time? Am I gay UHAUL stereotype? Do I need to stay in Boston for a full year to give it a fair chance like my mom says? What if I move and it doesn’t work out? What if I move and can’t find work? What if I move and I’m still not happy? These are the questions I have been haunted with.

My tarot reading did not answer any of these questions. It did appease some of these doubts, though. I will be able to save money in Tulsa by living with Taylor, even if I work part time. We have planned to live in a two bedroom apartment, so I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing independence and autonomy. If it doesn’t work out or I don’t like the city, I will move again. If I still can’t find happiness, it’s probably not the place and I will work on finding deeper causes.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know if I will find happiness in a new place or if I’m in a phase of my life where I just need to move every six months (though the expense and labor of that is completely unsustainable). I don’t know if my current relationship is The One and I also don’t know if that even matters as we continue to build in to this relationship and build each other up. But I do know that I love it when the Sun comes out. And I know that I love to practice tarot. And neither of those things are going anywhere, no matter what I do.