Something Wicked This Way Writes

Why, hello old friend. This post is a ‘life update’ and is probably going to read like a diary entry. So I have a new job, and my coworker reads my blog now, which is weird because it forces me to think about readership and not this blog existing as my screams into the void. I actually have two new jobs, this full-time AmeriCorps service year position and a part-time position at a foster home. I was working third shift, but it was making my already sick-self EVEN sicker and so today, in a fit of anxiety, I managed to talk to my supervisor’s supervisor and change to a day-time substitute. I feel mostly good about this shift and I’ll still work for this organization that I believe in, but it’ll give me more time (hopefully) to be able to better take care of myself and give more attention to this blog. It’s just that I hate disappointing people.

Meanwhile, I’m actually using my liberal arts Environmental Studies degree in my full-time job. I’m serving as the Gardening Educator at a non-profit in my hometown and that has felt mostly good too. The non-profit is a non-profit, so it’s not radical at all, but they are cognizant of alternative revenue streams to grants and they have one of the better food pantries I’ve been to. It’s scale and mission is pretty similar to the non-profit I worked at in college so that feels familiar and nice. There are new and challenging aspects as well, so professionally, even though the pay is shit, this position has been a nice balance of things so far. My hope is that I will get a year of legitimate hands-on farming experience in order to be all the more prepared for the revolution and the dream farm.

But between the two jobs and how sick I’ve been, all my side passion projects have been so neglected. The whole point of moving back to my hometown was to save money, study for the LSAT, and have time for the beloved side hustle but I haven’t been excelling at those three things. That said, one of my current goals is to stop being so dang hard on myself. So, I’ll say this:

1.       I am slowly but surely paying off the credit card debt I shamefully accumulated living in Boston. This should afford me—haha punny—more wiggle room in terms of agency and ability moving forward in life path choices.

2.       My LSAT score has gone up ten points in practice testing and I still have a full month left to study.

3.       I’m writing this and my love for Environmental Femme hasn’t diminished at all—in fact, my plotting is only ever on the increase. So I’ll settle that as a good sign.

Another thing I need to do is stop judging my success by others’ assessments of me. I rely so heavily on external praise—on number of views, likes, Patrons, and such. And that data has value, to be sure, but it can’t be everything I think of myself. I need a better crafted internal dialogue of my strengths and growth areas. As it stands now, I critique myself to a pulp and then look to outside places for affirmation. But I want to make and intentional move to being my greatest judge AND my greatest cheerleader. Now is clearly the time to invest in a bunch of millennial self-help books.