Okay, I’ve had some time to think. I had some time to spend with friends and not think. I did a couple tarot readings. And here they are. The list has come to me. My resolutions for 2018:
Location goal: Move somewhere warm with someone I love. This isn’t a goal so much as it is a plan already in motion, but it is a big bold task that I’m endeavoring in 2018 so it can make the list.
Physical health goal: Be able to survive the zombie apocalypse. I have a really tenuous relationship to exercise. Mostly it stresses me out. I danced growing up, but was not athletically inclined and felt (feel) very embarrassed by my body movement and sounds of exertion. For the past few years, since I had PTSD, exercise has not been enjoyable. I also have a chronic thing where when I stand for long or am very stressed I get dizzy and occasionally faint. So, what happens to my body when I exercise feels very similar to what happens to my body when I have panic attacks--sweating, raised heart rate, numb fingers and toes, blurry vision, dizzy, and/or like I’m outside of my own body. Instead of those glorious after-endorphins, workouts leave me feeling fatigued, scared, and on the brink of breaking down. But I want to be stronger and honestly if I want to cut it on the farm I need to build some muscle. I’ve toyed with the idea of faking myself out--exercising but making it seem like it’s not exercise. So I’m bribing myself with the idea of surviving the zombie apocalypse. “I’m not doing these pushups because I’m working out, I’m doing them as practice for when I get thrown down to the ground by a brain-eating monster and have to push myself back up.” The distraction, with a lot of water breaks, I’m hoping can get me through the moments of all-too-familiar panic.
Travel goal: go two places I’ve never been before. This should be possible and fairly achievable during my two weeks of vacation in March. It’s looking like I’ll be driving to New York and if I go through Canada I’ll hit Toronto, Montreal, Bar Harbor, and Portland--all of which I’ve never been to before.
The Big 3-6-5 goal: Write something every day. It could be a poem, a diary entry, something for this blog, less than a sentence. There are no restrictions. Only the rule that I need to do it every day. I’ve never successfully done an everyday thing, but 2018 is about proving my doubts wrong and proving myself possible and proud.
Honorable Mention: Be more tender with your limits. This was a friend’s goal for me and I’m not totally ready to commit but I do know that I need to grow more comfortable with not being able to do everything all the time. I want to be all the things! But I won’t be any of them if I don’t prioritize my time, listen to my feelings, and work on what is most present. So perhaps there can be newfound tenderness in 2018.
+ that is where I’m at as I write this on my last night in Chicago. I came down here for three days to see friends and ring in the New Year. Filled with the energy of the first and the full moon, everything feels sparkly and attainable. What are you striving for in 2018?